Memo to: Richard Gere. The Vet says the gerbil died.

Memo to: Martha Stewart. Your bowling league application

has been denied.

This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a can of diced rutabagas. Elden suggests that you supply embarrassing "While You Were Out" phone messages that might be left for famous people, in plain sight, while they are away from their desks. First-prize winner gets a softball-size metal bank in the shape of a globe of the world, filled with pennies, donated to the Style Invitational by Tatiana Divens of Vienna, whose name we may have finally gotten right. This globe is old -- it still features the Soviet Union -- and it is eccentric: It shows the precise air distances between such places as Cape Town and Ceylon (4,230 miles) but not New York to Paris, and while Hungary is barely visible ("Hun."), a comparatively vast space is devoted to Tannu Tuva, a region of Russia known mostly to stamp collectors and which does not technically exist as an actual country except on this map.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 210, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 31. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 207,

in which you were asked to tell us what any of eight items had to do with Aldrich Ames, Woody Allen, Deng Xiaoping, Antonin Scalia, Madeleine Albright, or Dolly the sheep.

Third Runner-Up: (Item 5) This was Aldrich Ames's paperweight on his desk at the CIA. It attracted no suspicion. (David Genser, Vienna; Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Second Runner-Up: (Item 8) This is Deng Xiaoping 20 seconds after Saint Peter hits the trapdoor button. (Carole Berghers, Potomac)

First Runner-Up: (Item 4) A strand of Antonin Scalia's DNA.

(Ned Bent, Herndon)

And the winner of the doggie fur coat: (Item 7)

This is a photo of Madeleine Albright's father wearing his

Yeshiva sweater. No wonder she never suspected.

(David Genser, Vienna)

Honorable Mentions:

Item 1:

Though it seemed at the time that her family was assimilating into American society, Ms. Albright now realizes this was her father's hunting yarmulke. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

A bad accessory from Aldrich Ames's Lamar Alexander disguise. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

Item 2:

Both sardines and Antonin Scalia demand a strong Constitution. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A graphic representation of Woody Allen's movies. They seem identical, are hard to get into, and you have to develop a taste for them because they sort of stink. (Jessica Steinhice, Riverdale)

For the sardines, death is the ticket into a can. For Aldrich Ames, death is the ticket out of the can. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

Deng and the turn-key can opener mechanism were both revolutionary -- 50 years ago.

(Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

These subjects were actually cloned before Dolly, but one of the Scottish scientists got a terrible craving for anchovy-and-haggis pizza. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Item 3:

This toy and Woody Allen are both good at cymbalism. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Items 4 & 6:

As a child, Antonin Scalia's favorite game was "Duck Duck Noose." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Item 5:

What you'd have to pay for a Dolly lamb chop. (David Genser, Vienna)

Both this and Madeleine Albright come in different denominations. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

This is a chain letter. Make 10 copies and mail it to friends. In 1972, George O'Leary of Boston sent out 10 copies and he found a sack of money the next day. In 1994, Aldrich Ames of Washington broke the chain, and the next day he was arrested for espionage. In 1997, Deng Xiaoping of Beijing broke the chain and died. Pass it on. Do not break the chain. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

This was part of a bank robbery, and Woody Allen was part of a cradle robbery.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Item 6:

Both this and Woody Allen have had baths with Soon-Yi in recent years. (David Genser, Vienna)

Item 7:

When they start attempting to duplicate the Dolly experiment with people, this is precisely the kind of preppy snot that scientists will try to clone. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Before the Tiananmen Square massacre, this was the president of the Deng Xiaoping fan club. The letter on his sweater is X for Xiaoping. (Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

When Madeleine Albright learned about her roots, it was almost as shocking as when Malcolm X learned about his half brother from this old family photograph. (J.F. Martin,

Hoover, Ala.)

Item 8:

Both this and Deng have some preservatives in them. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Send in the Clones